Dear Peter

I have received a lovely letter from Peter. I don't know Peter, so it's all the more exciting that he's taken the time out to write to me, even more so considering the mess his life's in.

I think Peter may look like this -

Here's Peters letter -

Good day!

My name is Peter, I am 24 years this year. My parents were killed by the president of our country because my father was an opposition leader to the government of my country (IVORY COAST WEST AFRICA)

Before the death of my father, he has $5 M USD in a fixed deposit domiciliary account with a bank in Abidjan Ivory Coast, which I am the next of kin. I have tried to stay with my uncles after the death of my parents, but they have made things to be more difficult for me, since the unexpected death of my beloved parents. My uncles has been seriously chasing me around with constant treats, trying to suppress me so that I will surrender the documents of this funds deposit and trying to force me to instruct the bank to release the monies into his control. He says that if I don't cooperate with his wishes then he will kill me.

I humbly need your assistance in transferring this fund for investment; I need your assistance to provide bank account where the funds will be transferred into. I want you to travel down here to have a face to face meeting with me and to verify things yourself. I am willing to offer you 10% of the total sum as compensation of your effort.

I’m anticipating hearing from you soon.

Regards,

Peter

Wow, quite the read I'm sure you''ll agree.

I've penned my response here -

Dear Peter,

Thank you for your letter regarding banking difficulties, I know all about them I assure you, that's why I try to do all my banking online. Congratulations on your twenty-fourth birthday by the way, sorry I couldn't attend your party.

Now down to business. I am sorry to hear about your parents and your horrible sounding uncles, chasing you round with treats is probably their way of making you feel better, but what on earth makes you think I'd want to be involved with this dangerous sounding endeavour ? Especially for a paltry 10% of $5m US !

I mean with the exchange rate of about 70p to the dollar, I wouldn't even see £350k and that's gross. After Capital Gains Tax I'd be lucky to see £250k, little reward, I'm sure you'd agree, for dealing with the murderous sounding bastards that are your countrymen.

So here's the rub, we make a new deal, say 50-50 each way, that's $2.5m each, but for added security you forward all the money to my offshore account, that way I'll have the means to get you extracted from your hell-hole of a country, right out from under the nose of El Presidente before he puts a bullet in your head.

Then we meet up somewhere nice, what say you to a trip to Dublin or maybe Melbourne ? and conclude our business.

Yours

Office Monkey

Jesus. H. Christ. On A Bike. In A Hat.

British Electorate: You're a fucking shower, an absolute fucking shower.
Electoral Commission : You're an even bigger fucking shower.

Goodnight.