Friday, May 29, 2009

Britain's Got Talent

A dog, a seventy-three year old "brake dancer", a stripper, a girl band, a dance troupe and a boy dressed up as Mowgli.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you "Britain's Got Talent."

The only thing with less talent than the contestants are the judges.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Power Of Marmite Compels You !

A family of total dunder-heads from Wales are convinced that Jesus has appeared to them in a Marmite jar. A Fucking Marmite jar, it's always some shit like this isn't it ? On a piece of toast, or a cracker or a fucking chipati.

And more annoyingly why does the media cover this stuff ?

It's not an image of Jesus for two very simple reasons -

1) Jesus never existed.
2) If he had existed, he would never have looked like a white man.

So either way, this isn't a picture of Jesus.

It could be Bin Laden mind.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Simon Pegg and Me.

Now, I like Simon Pegg. He's funny, loyal to his mates and he's even got a cheeky little face. His TV show Spaced was fantastic and the films he's made with Edgar Wright have all been brilliant.

Which, of course, brings us on to Star Trek.

Do you remember the scene in Spaced where Pegg briliantly parodied Star Wars, mimicking the Vader cremation scene to such memorable effect, after the release of Attack Of The Clowns or whatever that stupid fucking film was called ?

Well Pegg, I hate to break it to you but the new Star Trek is horrible. The guy playing Kirk managed to make it so that I wanted Spock to kill him as soon as they appeared on screen together, then Vulcan death-grip himself.

The guy with the "Russian" accent - what the fuck was that about ?! The kid from Harold & Kumar - he sucked.

Eric Bana was wasted. Either that or he peaked with Chopper.

And you were shit an' all Pegg. I mean what the fuck was with that ? "I canne doit cap'n", "I'm givin' her all she got cap'n!" "She canne take no more cap'n."

I canne take no more at this point.

Talk about a Captains Log.

You Are Not A Jedi Yet !

Despite every Star Wars nerd on Earth putting down "Jedi" as an answer to "What Religion Are You ?" in the census, Jedi is still not an officially recognised religion.

You're not Luke Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi or even that Scottish guy with the beard.

Just put Athiest down next time you fucking dorks.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Blast From The Past

Do you remember this idiot ? He's the twat who spoilt the marathon at the Athens Olympics by pushing, then leader, Vanderlei de Lima to the side of the road. This was only a year after the broke through security at Silverstone and played chicken with a few million dollar sports cars.

In October 2004 he danced a jig outside the Old Bailey after he was cleared of indecency with a seven-year-old girl.

He was a priest but he's been defrocked now.

Well now he's popped up on Britains Got Talent, apparently doing some sort of Irish dance. Do we really need more Irish dancing ? I say more because we're still dealing with that Flattley fella and I still think he's one too many. But anyway back to Neil Horan the real reason for this 'article'.

Do you know the best thing about him ? He's done all of the above, Runner bashing, F1 Chicken, Kiddie fiddling (the aquitting thereof) and Irish Jigging all in the same fucking clobber !

Great British madness at it's finest.

Friday, May 15, 2009

I'm back.

Fear not loyal readers, my absense was not caused by my head exploding after reading yet another retarded article in the BBC's "news" section, I've actually been on holiday to Australia.

Now don't panic, all though I may well be well rested, don't think for one moment 4 weeks out of Blightey have calmed me down. Well they did, but I came back and my dealer immediately let me down and I've just spent £150 in a dentists chair apparently shooting scenes for a Marathon Man remake.

So don't worry I'm really on edge at the moment.

Oh and I've just remembered my fucking FM transmitter for my Zen player has run out of juice.